A letter to My son…

I look at you, every day, when you are awake and walk around the house, when you are asleep and I have been up since 5 am to clean the house or cook your food before I’ll leave for work.

You are my heart, my everything, from the minute you were born I knew you were special, special like every son or daughter is for their mother.

How hard it is do it right…

You are almost nineteen now, and I see a man in front of me, yet in some ways I still see a child, or maybe it is just me and you will always be my child. 

I wish I had been given a manual with instructions on how to always say the right thing, react the best possible way, understand your silence, your short phrases, your moods. 

I don’t.  I don’t think any mother does, I just do the best I can and try to be the best mum I can, but I know sometimes I fail.  I can see it from your eyes, from your expressions, from the way you look or don’t look at me  and I know I have gone the wrong way about it.

There are days when I worry because you don’t look happy like I wish you would be, and then I ask you questions, not because I want to invade your space, not because I don’t trust you, not because I want to mind your business…I ask out of love, I ask because for me seeing you sad, or worried or too quiet…it is a sign something is wrong. ..and when something is wrong with my son I need to ask you, what’s wrong?  When I see you sad and worried, I need to ask you how can I help you?

I am a mum, I am not perfect, I just am…but please believe that everything I do is out of love for you and if I could fix the entire world with a magic wand and be sure that you will always be happy, safe, secure then I would know my job is done.

Please forgive me for intruding sometimes, please forgive me if I have asked too many times are you ok? But please understand, I did not get any book of instructions and I am only doing the best I can for you.

Sometimes I wonder why it is so hard to let go…I know you are not mine, you are a human being and your life belongs to you only. I can’t control what you do like I did when you were little, I am not able to fix everything just with a hug or a kiss; it all used to be enough when you were little…not anymore…mama’s kisses don’t quite cut it anymore like they use too.

So, my son, my love, my life, I just want you to know that you are free to be the person you want to be, and you are free to live the life you want to live, but whenever, wherever you might be and you  might need a hand, I am here for you, always, a silent presence to lend a hand if you want me to.

And please forgive me for not being perfect and sometimes for asking, saying, insisting too much; my biggest gift to you is my unconditional love and I hope you do understand it even when I seem to love you too much.

A mother love will move mountains, a mother love will cross any Ocean, a mother love is all I have to offer, more than gold, money or fame….it might not buy you a home,or the best car but for as little it might seem is the most precious thing I Have to give and I give it to the most precious thing I have in life: You!

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Social Medias, are they good or bad?

I watch my kids on their computers, watch my colleagues at work, watch my husband when he sits down on the sofa holding his phone in his hand…different age groups, different genders, different interest, yet they seem to all be hooked up to the same thing the Social Media World…

It could be Facebook, or maybe Instagram, it could be Twitter or maybe something else, the point is we seem to communicate more with the Social Media World than we do between ourselves…it is almost like if I wanted to talk  to my kids it could be easier if I sent them a message via Facebook than if I speak to them directly in the house.

It makes me angry, actually more than angry sad, that we live in a society that has lost touch with what is truly important, has lost touch with what really matters and the communication between us seems to depend on a virtual world that mixes reality with fiction, and no matter how many people will disagree with me, the Social media will never ever be able to replace a human touch, a personal hug, two eyes looking straight at you and saying, “I am happy for you” or ” I am with you no matter what” …

What have we done that suddenly it is more important to read what the next door neighbour is cooking for dinner, or where so and so will go on their next vacation and why the couple that we knew so well (from the internet) has suddenly split up and are divorcing now…

Are we serious? Are we truly understanding what basic family values and human interaction have gone lost because of how much time we dedicate to the Social Media World?

I don’t want to sound like a warrior that is embarking in a battle against the Internet, after all, I would be a hypocrite, I use it myself; and I do recognize that there is a lot that we learn from the Internet and how fast and easily we can bring a message around, when Facebook first started I loved it, because it was allowing me to  keep in touch with someone who was leaving on the other side of the world and I hadn’t seen since I was a child…but I never thought it would help me finding out what my colleague that I see every single day of the week, is having for dinner and where she will be going on holiday…

What happen to words, I mean words coming from our mouth, directly with a voice, what happen to the human contact , the empathy, compassion, love, and even anger, what happen to all the emotions that we could clearly express face to face or even by picking up a phone and making a call….have we become so involved in our little world of oneself that we find it easier to say what we think by posting it on a wall that the world will read and then we complain if the world will say something that we might not like? 

Have our children lost the capacity to communicate with one another that they rather send a message on Instagram to be heard or noticed? Are we constantly looking for something? Otherwise, why would we do that? I  believe that there are certain needs that humans try to fulfil when they publicize their entire life on a Social media. 

They are looking to fulfil three basic emotions that we can all relate to: 

  • the need for approval
  • the need for love
  • the need to feel safe and secure.

It is almost like when we publish the last dress we bought we are waiting for the approval of someone saying…”wow you look great with that dress”  or if we mourn a loss (I find it really hard to do that on Facebook) we are really looking for sympathy and love …or if we have done something and we think it might have some repercussions, we write the whole story  on the net almost as we are looking for someone to say well done and that whatever we have done it’s ok and we can go back, don’t worry about it and feel safe and secure again….

Now I know not everyone will agree with me, the fact is I am a very private person and when something has happened to me I found it really hard to go on Instagram and tell to the world my tale…I still rather call a friend if I need to speak to someone or maybe I just spend some time alone to try to understand within me, how I feel and how everything is…

So to conclude this is not  about judging why people are dedicating so much of their daily life to a social media but it is more a reflection on our reality and on how (even if I will end up sounding like my grandmother) back in the day …things seemed to be easier….we seemed to appreciate our friends, colleagues, family time more, we seemed to cherish more the human contact, the touch, the feel, the emotions that come with it and  I sincerely hope that we can try to show our children, the generations to come that there is so much more in life than spending a great part of your day on a screen staring at someone else life….there are so much beauty and fulfillment in picking up a phone and tell someone I love You with your own voice….life is just wonderful, too wonderful to watch it passing by on a Social Media Page….so let’s just live more and put our phone down a little more often and look up at the sky admire the colours of the horizon, lend a hand to our children and hug them tight and let them know that this is what it is all about…even they will look at us confused, bored or not understanding, let’s never every give up telling them how life has to be appreciated and cherished, and how important it is to be kind to one another.

Not on Facebook, not on Twitter…but live, in person, just like it used to be.!!

Memories…

We were almost there…I was sitting on the aisle, regretting not having booked a window seat, I hate to fly sitting at the window and having to ask the person next to you to move every time you need to use the bathroom, but this time it was different, I should have taken that sit, I wanted so bad to look outside that little window and see it…It had been almost thirty years since I had been back, the memories were rushing thru my mind bringing excitement and tears to my eyes; I was finally almost there!

I caught a glimpse, when the lady next to meet moved her head, yes, we were landing, the sky was so blue, the sun was out there reflecting the rays into those indescribably beautiful waters..everything seemed like I had left it so long ago…

The plane touched the runway, the pilot used the powerful engine to bring the big machine to its final stop. And so we did, we had arrived, I had arrived. 

I waited impatiently for the hostess to announce we could take off the seat belt and when she finally did, I jumped out of my seat and rushed to get to the door…I was lucky, they were opening the back door and I was sitting at the last sit of the plane so for as much as I hated sitting there during the flight now I was really happy and glad I did.

The door opened, the heat of the humid air outside met my skin, I took a deep breath and smiled, I felt like I was home again.

Walking toward the airport entrance to collect my luggage I felt like in a daze, a dream, I could not believe I was actually there; there where thirty years ago my life had begun again, or maybe I should call it the place where I always felt I finally become a woman…thirty years before…I had just turned eighteen and little did I know that this place would have changed my life, would have changed me forever.

I still remember it like it was yesterday.

My birthday had just passed a week before and like a madly rushed teenager soon to be an adult the first thing I had done was to apply for a passport. 

Didn’t take me long, passport in one hand and ticket in the other I had jumped on a plane and left.

I wanted to be free, I wanted to feel alive, I guess I wanted to be like many young adults wanted to be…running away from a small town that had little to offer and from a mum that was really strict and hard to speak to.

I loved her, I love her, I always will, very much but when you are 18 little you think about the consequences of your action and you never fully understand until further down in life how hard it is to be a mother.

There are many things I would love to say about her but I leave this for another chapter. Today it is about that first day, thirty years before when my new life began on a small island of the Indian Ocean.

I had arrived very late at night and it was impossible to see outside, had booked a room in a small resort, and went straight to bed, I was really tired after a 12 bus trip to get there.

In the night I had laid awake in bed, listening to the sound of the trees, a lot of palm tree all around me, and the crickets and frogs making funny noises and making me feel like I was definitely not alone.

In the morning I had woken up very early, excitement was running thru me, I wanted to go outside and explore, see my new world; what would have become my world for the next ten years of my life even thou I did not know it yet.

I stepped outside the room, the clouds were playing with the sun making a game of hiding and seek, one minute the rays were coming thru and a minute after they were hiding again. I walked down the two small steps that were in front of the bungalow and finally saw the garden.

God, it was so beautiful, so bright, so full of vivid colours, the flowers, purple, pink, white, there were orchids all around and then these giant coconut trees staring at my little me from above. I took a deep breath, how wonderful everything was. 

I turned to the right and head in direction of a small path that seemed to take me to the reception area and also to the main street. I was looking for the sea, that’s all I wanted to see, the big, infinite Ocean…actually to be more correct I should say I wanted to see the beautiful Andaman Sea that was waiting for me …

As I reached the main street, I turned to the right, the road was narrow, not many people, around, I guess it was too early in the morning for any tourist to be walking by; a little girl smiled at me and waved, she had beautiful black silky long hair, a blue skirt and white shirt, wearing white socks and a pair of black shoes, it looked like a school uniform. She had a sweet smile, not just with her mouth, but with her eyes she seemed to smile in joy and staring at me at the same time with a curious look…she was holding a plastic bag with what looked like a sliced pineapple inside, biting a piece from a wooden stick that she was holding in her hands.

I waved back at her and continue in my mission…my one and only mission were to find the beach.

As I walked down the street I began to hear the noise of what seemed to be water crashing on a shore, mixed with the noise of a few bikes that were driving around in the early hours of the morning.

It could have been maybe three hundred meters and as I lifted my eyes up I saw it.

The sea was right ahead of me, two more minutes and I would have been there.

I crossed a small road that was separating the beach from the rest of the small village and finally put my feet into the sand.

The clouds were still up there, I guess I thought I would not burn since the sun was hiding for now and I looked: The most beautiful beach I had ever seen.

I walked on the sand admiring the colours, the entire spectrum of colours seemed to be just there.

I was playing Tracy Chapman on my headphones, and the beach was still deserted. It was just me, Tracy and this wonderful show of nature in front of me.

The sand was, creamy, and golden, grey and off-white, at moment even orange when the sun with its rays was reflecting its light on it.

It was warm and thin, I touched it with my hands, letting the grains of the sand running thru my fingers. I usually hate sand, it seems to stick on you and a week later you still find it somewhere in your shirt. But this one? No, this one, was special, this one was different, it touched your feet, it swallowed your toes making them invisible and as you lifted your feet up to make another step it almost seemed to dissolve into microscopic, infinite grains that one minute would embrace you and another would let you go again.

I remember looking down, just in front of my feet, turning right, and turning left, and then I looked at the horizon and the water in front of me. I had never seen in my life water so blue and turquoise, and green and deeper blue, I had never in my life wonder to such beauty innocence, love. 

The waves were coming in, but they were gentle, gentle like everything around me; they say sometimes you feel like you are in a place and you would call it paradise; I guess that is how I felt.

The tepid temperature of the sea seemed to call my name and invite me to go in, I touched it, I played with it, but I did not have a swimming suit, not yet, I should have thought about it, now I would have to run back and find a shop and buy one as soon as possible. But it did not matter, what matter was that I was there, I had arrived, and for as much as I had never seen or been in this place before I felt like I was finally home. 

Fast forwarding to thirty years after, here I was again, when I landed and I guess I was afraid that how I felt, the first time, would not be the same, I had set my expectations so high that now I was even afraid of looking out and maybe find that everything had changed.

But it didn’t, not for me, not the feelings, the emotions, the joy, the sensation that I was home again.

Yes, the place had grown, yes it had developed, what doesn’t in thirty years? But I did not care, I looked at the sky, I smelled the air all around me, with the aromas of the food, the heat, the people talking, the noise of the sea not too far from the airport….and I just knew it: I was home again.

My beloved Phuket!

 

A little piece of my Memories…I hope you have enjoyed it.

 

Moving on …

After my blog on Sunday yesterday I found it really hard to write about anything at all…another little Angel now in the sky has left a mark within my soul that I find hard to let go, forget or move on.

Don’t get me  wrong, I know well that life must go on and we can’t stop everything because something bad has happened; but it is not about moving on, it is not about being strong or forget , it is about the indifference that I observe around me in people, on situations, the numbness all around that has made so many of us immune to any news.

Yesterday I spent the day thinking about that young woman that took her life; I still went on about my day doing all the things I was supposed to do, but part of my time I just dedicated to thinking …yes Just sitting down and thinking …

Some of you might find  it boring, some I am sure will understand , we spend so much time of our lives running here, running there, doing this and that; it is almost we are afraid that if we stop and just Be, if we look around and really see what is going on maybe we won’t like it, maybe it is not what we are expecting to see, or maybe we just don’t know what to do about it and so we go back to run …

…almost like as long as we are keeping ourselves busy with other things we will avoid everything that we don’t want, or don’t like to see.

But for me, indifférence is not easy.

I know we must go on, I know we can’t just stop and cry over someone loss forever …still how can we move on so quick?

How can we , as human beings with empathy, compassion, love and emotions can one day hear about someone’s death, talking about it like you are personally affected and the day after you meet the same person and they are quickly capable of telling you how they bought the latest Gucci bag and they had it at a great bargain price!

Really? I mean…really? Maybe I am old fashioned, maybe I internalise and reflect on things, not  the same way that other people do; and I understand and respect whatever everyone else is doing but for me, it seems difficult, it seems unfair, it seems sad  that we are living in a society where the news of one day becomes old and forgotten easily the day after and replaced by some other gossip that is suddenly a more interesting topic.

I am a strong woman, I consider myself capable of facing difficult times, I know what it means when we say life must go on and it is true it has to go on and it does anyway with or without our permission  life will go on anyway but the coldness and indifference and the capacity of human beings to easily shut off news and facts and lock it down it little boxes inside our head without giving it a second thought that is what makes me sad…and maybe even a bit scared .

Two days ago it was a young woman life, tomorrow it might be something else. Maybe we should try to see what is going on around us,  the unhappiness of some people, the despair of others and for as easy it is to turn the face and look somewhere else, I don’t think we should, I don’t think it is fair. I don’t think it’s right. 

Let’s honour the life and remember those that have left us too soon, not in sadness but in the hope that we might become.

Better human beings, have more compassion for one another, more love for the person next door that we don’t know but so easily judge.

Let’s not be so indifferent to someone’s death just because it’s so common now to hear it on the news that one death does not affect us anymore. 

Let’s go back just a little tiny bit to those value of empathy, understanding, sharing that we seem to have replaced so easily by material things that will not last forever. 

Love does … I am still very much a true believer of that. 

Love does…

May You all have a blessed day

 

Today is not about me….

It is Sunday morning, I am at work again, I don’t mind working on a Sunday, it is really peaceful and even the drive to work seems easy and stress free. I am glad I am here, I am glad I kissed my kids before I left home, I am glad I am alive and well, and healthy, and lucky to have this life.

But today it is not about me, it is about a young woman, an 18 years old young beautiful girl that took her own life because, somewhere, somehow, she must have felt there was no other way out.

I have learnt about her passing yesterday, she was the daughter of someone I knew and I worked with long time ago. I don’t want or need to mention their name because I respect their privacy and hurt, but I want to dedicate this day to her because she is gone now and it saddens me so much I wish I could do something and I can’t. 

I know now, she is a star, a little angel in the sky and I have to believe that she has been accepted by God even in her terrible act because, God is forgiving and loving and she must be now in a place where I hope she found the peace she was looking for so much.

I looked at my children this morning and felt blessed, I wanted to call her mum and say something but everything seemed nonsense; what could I possibly say to a mother that has lost her child? I hate when people ask the question, “how are you” or “how do you feel” and to say “I am sorry” seemed somehow irrelevant, not to me, but to her…I sent only a little note with no words but a simple “I love you”. 

I hope she feels my love for her and I hope she has the strength to go on in a time where I can’t even begin to imagine and I don’t want to imagine how she must feel.

She was a beautiful, young girl, full of life, on the outside, with her entire future ahead of her yet something was missing…She had beauty, health, a mum and a sister that loved her with all her hearts, she lived in a beautiful place and had a beautiful life, one that many could look at and even envy, yet something was not there for her.

My angel, may you have found your peace now where you are and may you be able to protect you mum and your sister now with the help of God…

My heart aches for her mum, it must be so hard, indescribably hard, unthinkably hard to have to face such a loss….wondering what did you miss? what could you have done? was there a sign and you did not see it? For whatever little it might means, do not blame yourself, you have always been a good and loving mum, you have alwasy tried to give your best and makes sure they were loved and cared for, growing up is so hard sometimes, being an adult can be so hard sometimes and don’t blame yourself because I have known you and you are a wonderful wonderful mum…

You have another daughter that is with you, and even for her it must be unbearably hard to face such a reality, not fair to have to go through this at this young age. They did everything together, she looked up to her big sister, she wanted to be like her big sister, and now she found herself alone. Be the rock you need to be, like you have always been in you life and this time more that ever be the hardest rock you could possibly be because your other angel here on earth needs you and for how hard it is sometimes to be a mum and how difficult it is to do it right, now, in this moment , it is not the time to  crumble…it is the hardest thing you have very faced in your life.

To all the moms, and dads of this world, to myself as well, if you are reading this, let’s have a minute of silence for this wonderful girl gone to soon, let’s remember that we run too much, think too much, worry too much, care too much about things that have no meaning whatsoever , and let’s slow down, look around ourselves, the people we love the people that are around us, and listen, look, observe, cherish, love , hug, kiss a bit more…let’s enjoy each others a little more, not taking for granted every day that we have, let’s build a life of great memories and laughter , and experiences, because ultimately it is those that we carry within ourselves, not the latest bag or the trendy gadget, it is the love we had, have and will have that we cherish the most and that is the most precious gift we could ever ask for.

Goodbye little angel, I know you have found your peace, may you mum and your sister and your dad find theirs too.

Peace and love to you all.

Life is easy. Why do we make it so hard?

I was browsing the Internet yesterday and came across a YouTube Video; now I am  not a big fun of watching videos, well I should actually re-phrase this; I like to watch Videos but only the ones that I feel have a meaning to it, something I can learn, something that can inspire me or make me reflect about a specific subject. 

I love Videos of people’s life when they show you where they have been, what they have done, they show you other places, other cultures, but not so much the ones that go on a holiday in a 5 star resort and never leave the premises; I’ d rather watch the life of someone who has moved to a place or is visiting  a country and truly wants to learn and immerse himself in the culture of the place…..

Any way those are my type of videos and everything else obviously that I feel can teach me something positive…

So I came across one of Ted Talk videos and the title was exactly “Life is easy. Why do we make it so difficult?” 

Oh my God, I watch this Thai farmer talking so simply and so beautifully about his life, his choices, his truth and even thou he is a Thai farmer and I might not have apparently so many things in common with him…so many things he was saying were so true.

So simple, like he said….life is easy….he puts it so beautifully down, I could not have explained it better and make it so easy to understand….

Please if you have a minute, watch it, it is worth it, it’s a small video and if you feel like me you will find yourself nodding at the screen and smiling while you listening to this lovely farmer and his magnificent philosophy and outlook to life.

We waste so much time worrying about the mortgage that we need to pay and how big the house should be, or about having the trendiest clothes or the fastest car, the last iPhone and the newest PS4 or 5….so much energy, so much thoughts gone towards something that it does not really matter! Seriously, it doesn’t !!!

And the funny thing is, while we worry about all these things, we spend more time worrying about it than enjoying it, and once we have it we will find something else to worry about almost like we are addicted to worries…we can’t just let it go.

But is it so important to have the latest gadget? To buy the most expensive bag and then have a cup of coffee being poured on it to then make you cry because your very expensive bag is now ruined? Doesn’t make you feel like these are all futile and unnecessary thoughts?

So please watch the video, it is short, and full of truth…and maybe just for today, stop wondering when you can afford that very expensive dress and begin to realize that the dress you have in the closet, is just fine and it still does what it is supposed to do…cover you!

Well my lovely people out there, have a wonderful Saturday and may it be a very blessed day for all of you!

Buddha Said :All that we are is the result of what we have thought!

That’s is one scary affirmation.

I don’t mean scary in the real term of the word, is not like a horror movie or a fearful situation, it is just scary to think that and realize that if we really are what we think ( and we definitely are) maybe it is time to really check our thoughts and start to think more positive and inspiring things rather than procrastinating all the time and talk about all the things that we do not have but others do…

And we wonder why? 

Well the answer is in our own thoughts, this is why today  someone walk up smiling and is having the best day ever and it is also why someone else, somewhere else is having a miserable day wondering why he/she is missing all the things that the neighbour don’t….it is our mind, God….so simple yet so hard to conquer…our beautiful, intelligent, fantastic, spiteful mind…..all in just one single package.

And I  am sitting here wondering why I have about 63 Euros left in my bank account and another 24 days to go till the end of the month…

Ok…yes it is true…that’s all I have left and every morning as soon as I wake up I think about it….it started at 900 then in three days after the mortgage and everything else went through the bank it suddenly slipped to 63….how can I stop thinking about it thou? It is easier said than done. 

At the same time, I fully understand that keeping thinking about my 63 won’t make them grow to a 100 or 200 or…whatever…

So what do I do? Really? I have not a clue! I wish I did! 

I woke up`and my first thought went to the 63…then I said NO…let’s be grateful to have this 63 and let’s say thank you because we have them…someone else doesn’t even have that so I said to myself SHUT UP and stop complaining…

Then I started to remember all the good things I have around me, my children for a start…I am so so so grateful they are healthy and happy and safe!

Then I looked at the house…ok it’s not a palace…but it is a home…it keeps us cover, protected, warm….we even have some lovely fans to keep us cool when it gets too hot..

Then I looked at the fridge, yes I do have a fridge…some of you might smile at the affirmation…but some of us do not have one…so I am lucky! I opened it…there is milk,  jam, some turkey and cheese…..well suddenly I realize I can definitely make a good lunch for the kids before I go to work…

And let’s not forget I have a computer, I have electricity I use to connect the computer and even have an internet to share my thoughts out loud to the world….

Have you seen the list?

I have, I have, I have….suddenly I shifted from my missing 63 to …I have so many things….and I am smiling, I feel blessed, I feel happy….my whole day seems different…

So yes, we are what we think, and even in our most difficult days if we just make a little effort to look around ourselves we will see we have a MILLION things to be grateful for.

Have e a wonderfully blessed day to all of you and don’t forget to LOOK around and say THANK YOU !